AQUARIUS - January 21 - February 19

A green apple and a root would probably kill you this month! Take it easy, eat a steak and stop stressing so much. Remember, what people think of you is none of your damned business, so just go live your truth, unless that truth involves getting on other people’s tits. Probably best just to cut that shit out.

Get a flu shot.

ARIES - March 21 - April 20

I had one of them vegan chicken burgers, where they tried to make the patty look, taste and bok like a chicken. They failed. Hard. It wasn’t chicken. It made me vomit.What this has to do with your predictions, Aries, is beyond my ken. If you wanted a glimpse of the future, should’ve considered writing your own Knackerology (and I would then get my lawyers to send you a nasty cease and desist letter, we would have had a twitter war, and I would get a fuck tonne of “free” advertising). Good one, Aries. Good one.

Vegetarianism is not a real religion

CANCER - June 23 - July 23

Cancerians will do well this month to wash their smalls in homo-erotic, dermatological sensitive laundry liquid. If your unerdaks are beyond stained and could stand up for themselves to order a pizza, it’s time to pop to Best & Less and get yourself some new tighty-whitey knickers.

Cold wash is just as good as warm wash, but nothing beats a hot wash

LIBRA

September 24 - October 23

Beware of sham operators this month, as Jupiter ruptures Venus and Mars faps over Pluto. Any wanker trying to “solve” a problem you never knew you had is most likely in league with Nigerian Princes and lonely internet “women” looking at stealing your pension. Wake up, no need for another drongo to cry their balls off on Sixty Minutes because they ots their house.

Genuine Sheila Knacquers merch only available at www.sheilaknacquers.com.au. Paypal accepted

GEMINI

May 22 - June 22

Read a book. It’ll do you the world of good.

Get thee to a library

LEO

July 24 - August 23

Done your taxes yet? Better get that shit sorted.

Farts in the bath are dead funny

CAPRICORN - December 22 - January 20

Eco-friendly! Plastic Free! Hug a dolphin, eat some fruit and skip, naked, down Pitt Street. The sun is in the seventh house of charity and sonic harmonies, so you should be right as rain*

Tuckshop Flap may contain sulphites.

*You will definitely not be right. Don’t actually do any of these things.

PISCES

February 20 - March 20

Chico Rolls cause excessive flatulence. Go easy on the cabbage death rolls, stock up on charcoal tablets and be sure to wind the window down should you feel the gasses hit peak colon capacity, bursting forth in a geyser of stink worthy of dog fart status, on your family car trip back to Dubbo.

Stop, Revive, Survive

SAGITTARIUS

November 23 - December 21

So, you feel like making a podcast about your life and stories and stuff eh?! Fair enough. Don’t make a shit one, though. Actually have something interesting to say… okay? Cool. Thanks.

Sheila Knacquers is available for podcast interviews. Please send your requests to laughing@sheilaknacquers.com.au

SCORPIO

October 24 - November 22

Unfortunately, there is no predications for Scorpio this month, mostly because a bell-end on tinder who proclaimed to be of this starsign turned out to be a grand turd in sheep’s clothing. I don’t care what you’re into but that just turned me toes up, so your whole starsign can go fuck itself.

Dating used to be a lot easier. Fuck this shit.

TAURUS

April 21 - May 21

Due to lack of interest, or anything funny to say, this month’s prediction for Taurus is postponed. Management apologises for any inconvenience caused.

Beetroot is an actual root. Hilarious, right, and is an excellent suppository for control freaks

VIRGO

August 24 - September 23

Electricity power prices got you down? Can’t afford your phone bill this month? Not enough in the kitty for a treat for the kitty? Yep, it’s time for a wage increase, an increase to Newstart and a bloody fair go for pensioners and single mums alike. Fucking good one, all youse dickheads that voted for your investment property and coal mines. Get fucked. For inner peace, suck on a rose quartz.

Bring on the next election.